Dealing with a Dysfunctional Relationship with Nedra Glover Tawwab
Almost everyone experiences some form of dysfunctional relationship while growing up. Maybe it was with a parent, sibling, teacher, or friend. These types of relationships can leave us feeling isolated and disconnected. We need to recognize them, take action, and break any cycles that may have formed.
In today’s episode, Nedra Glover Tawwab joins us for an insightful episode on dealing with dysfunctional relationships in the family context. As an expert on family and personal relationships, she will discuss the importance of processing emotions and becoming better adults for children. Nedra will also share how she deals with unforgiveness and sets boundaries around her relationships.
If you're struggling with dysfunctional relationships, this episode is for you!
Here are three reasons why you should listen to the full episode:
Discover how you can become a better adult for yourself and your children.
Learn how to process unforgiveness and avoid toxic forgiveness.
Address and heal the dysfunctional relationships in your life.
Resources
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Episode Highlights
[0:14] Rosie’s Reflections from Drama Free
We must recognize our role in the process of healing.
Learn to build the confidence to speak your truth and not be rushed to have certain feelings, like forgiveness.
Forgiving someone too soon might cause you to go through the hurt process all over again.
[03:03] Nedra’s Journey Writing Drama Free
Drama Free was an ongoing writing experience for Nedra.
Nedra grew up with a lot of dysfunction and knows that many people experience varying levels of it — from tumultuous relationships to abuse and neglect.
Nedra learned that it is possible to have complicated relationships with people you love.
Dysfunctional relationships can be accompanied by trauma, dysfunction, and other problems.
Living or growing up around dysfunction does not mean there is no way to improve.
[04:40] Nedra: “It’s possible to have complicated relationships with people you love [and also have] perhaps trauma or there is this level of dysfunction or there are these problematic things and relationships.” - Click Here to Tweet
[05:57] Unprocessed Emotions from a Dysfunctional Relationship
Rosie shares that she grew up in a Hispanic culture that taught her to respect family hierarchy, repress her feelings, and deny any negative emotions she felt.
She grew up believing children should absorb everything without question.
But in reality, kids are fragile. They do not have the tools to process "adult-level things" they are exposed to (like gun violence and parents being laid off).
These children grow up to become adults with unprocessed emotions.
[10:06] Dealing with Emotions as Adults
The problem is that the adults who raised us also had difficulty understanding what was happening. They were overwhelmed and dealing with their trauma but couldn’t express it.
As a result, these adults explain things in the best and only way they can.
They have reached a certain level of understanding or perspective in life that they have forgotten how ignorant they used to be.
They are no longer aware that there is a delicate way to explain things at an age level that children can understand.
[12:09] Nedra: “We have the opportunity to do something different… There’s an opportunity to teach our kids some of the things that we were not taught, or some of the things that we didn't even know [were] important.” - Click Here to Tweet
[14:27] Nedra: “I think when we get to a certain level of understanding in life or a certain perspective, we forget how ignorant we used to be.” - Click Here to Tweet
[15:07] Nedra’s Learnings as a Social Worker
Nedra’s biggest learning as a social worker is to be resourceful.
There is more than one solution, and there are many things you can do about a situation.
People often think they only have one truth, but there is room for many truths.
She learned to wonder more about people and not to create a story of her own.
[18:48] Understanding Different Perspectives
We often believe that leaving the best way to handle a dysfunctional relationship, but sometimes it’s better to be creative.
Relationships are a choice. Sometimes, you need to be intentional in figuring out how to have a relationship with a person.
People decide to live their life in a certain way, and we need to learn that it is not our job to change them or get them to think like you.
For Nedra, the only thing that families shouldn't tolerate is sexual abuse — especially when children are involved.
Listen to the full podcast to learn more about dealing with different perspectives.
[23:01] Nedra: “It’s [a] choice; relationships are a choice.” - Click Here to Tweet
[24:21] Unforgiveness and Toxic Forgiveness
Toxic forgiveness is forgiving someone before you’re ready. You pretend to be unbothered. Eventually, it will come out as passive aggressiveness.
It's normal to feel a sense of unforgiveness. What’s not normal is trying to get over everything even when you’re still bothered.
Nothing is an overnight process of release. Do not rush forgiveness. It does not have to happen right away.
Nedra shares that her mother taught her to get along with people despite how she feels about them.
You can be kind to people without liking them.
[27:22] Nedra: “You can be kind to people without liking them.” - Click Here to Tweet
[28:38] Nedra’s Learnings from Writing Drama Free
Nedra learned to get out of her story while writing Drama Free
The more people you talk to, the less unique your story becomes and the more you realize that you are not alone.
You could connect with many people if they have knew your story.
Try to talk to people and your family beyond a surface level.
Aim for depth and vulnerability. Build real relationships and connections.
[34:39] How Nedra Feels Radically Loved
For Nedra, radical love is intentional love.
It can be a warm embrace, making her a cup of coffee before she wakes up, or texting her that you’re thinking about her.
Nedra feels radically loved when someone is being intentional in their efforts.
About Nedra
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a passionate licensed therapist and former clinical social worker. With her expertise, Nedra assists those dealing with trauma to share their stories and find healing from dysfunctional relationships. She is on a mission to help people become themselves, unpack, and reclaim their voice
Nedra is also a New York Times best-selling author and has written two books: Set Boundaries, Find Peace, and Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships.
If you want to connect with Nedra, you can write her an email or visit her website. You can also go to her Instagram or Facebook.
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To feeling radically loved,
Rosie