Embracing Your Identity with Carmen Rita Wong

We all have a unique identity that we carry everywhere we go and in everything we do. But having multiple geographical and cultural boundaries increases the complexity of an already-challenging pursuit. At a young age, immigrant children have no choice but to live at the intersection of very different worlds. How do you make peace with who you are after a lifetime of finding your place in the world? Who are we, really?

In this episode, Rosie speaks with Carmen Rita Wong about unraveling her family’s biggest secret in her memoir, Why Didn’t You Tell Me?. Carmen shares the emotional process and clarity she has gone through in writing the book. She speaks about unlearning the systemic pursuit of the white picket fence and her experience as an immigrant child.

If you’re feeling lost in your pursuit of finding and embracing your identity, this episode is for you!

Here are three reasons why you should listen to the full episode:

  1. Discover how the lived experience of an immigrant child shapes their identity into adulthood.

  2. Understand why the American dream is a myth for immigrants.

  3. Learn how to fight back against the disempowerment of women in politics.

Resources

    Episode Highlights

    [01:03] Why Didn't You Tell Me?: A Memoir

    • The title of the memoir is a question addressed to her mother’s ghost.

    • Each chapter begins with a “Because…” followed by her mother’s answers.

    • The book is about unraveling her family’s big secret about her origin story. 

    • Writing the book helped her get into her mother's head and understand where she came from, especially as an immigrant.

    • Carmen hopes that her story will open more doors for more stories of immigrant children to be out there.

    [03:42] Writing the Book

    • Carmen says the book was her magnum opus. It is a legacy that contains 50 years of work on herself.

    • It was one of the greatest professional things she has ever done, including hosting her TV show and being the vice chair of Planned Parenthood.

    • The experience of writing the book was a clarifying experience for Carmen. 

    • It made her ponder when children of immigrants stop being creations of their parents and society's pressures and begin to be themselves.

    • Writing the book made her realize it was time to return to her original self.

    [04:58] Carmen: "When do we stop being creations of our parents and society's pressures? And when do we start being our first self?" - Click Here To Tweet This

    [06:30] How the Culture of Latina in the Workplace Has Changed

    • Carmen’s first job was at Christie’s Auction House. Her first form of rebellion was changing the dress code that restricted women employees from wearing pants.

    • While hosting her show, she had to fight to wear hoops and do a cat eye.

    • The ability to work as yourself and be proud of your community is an incredible advantage.

    • Showing up to work as yourself costs less emotional, mental, and physical energy. 

    [11:47] Discovering Her Real Father

    • Carmen had a Dominican Afro-Latina mother and a Chinese father. When they split up, her mother married an Anglo-American, and they moved to New Hampshire.

    • Discovering that her father wasn't her biological father was devastating for Carmen. 

    • The mystery of her origins only got solved while editing the book. Her Papi Wong passed away in the summer. 

    • Carmen will always be a Wong, despite not being biologically Chinese.

    • It hurts to have the biological tie disappear, but it remains part of her family’s lives.

    [13:11] Carmen: "Papi passed away in the summer,  just this summer. He was my father. So am I biologically Chinese? No. But am I a Wong? Yes, I will always be a Wong. There's race, there's culture, as we see in Latina-ness. We come in all races, so there is no limitation there. And the same thing applies in my life." - Click Here To Tweet This

    [15:48] Pursuit of the White Picket Fence

    • Carmen's mother was chasing what she thought was the American dream.

    • It's a tragedy to come from a culture that values community and interdependence and enter the isolation of a white picket fence.

    • Pursuing the white picket fence cost Carmen's family greatly.

    [17:25] The Unlearning Process

    • Unlearning this and working on herself has cost Carmen 15 years of weekly therapy.

    • You have to do the work yourself. Therapy will not fix you; it will only lead you places and allow you to sit with and process things you haven't seen.

    • Processing means looking. Your fear loses its power once you begin to see what it is.

    [18:46] Carmen: "When you look at the fear, it loses its power. When you look at what you're terrified of or what hurts you, and you really look at it, it loses its power because then you see what it really is." - Click Here To Tweet This

    [21:46] Disempowerment of Women in Politics

    [22:42] Carmen: "To not lose hope is to connect. That's how we can move things in the right direction, again, is by connecting." - Click Here To Tweet This

    • Having a woman's body, a disabled body, or a body of color leaves you with no choice but to engage in politics.

    • Despair can send us into a lonely spiral, but we are not alone in our fears.

    • We can feel hope and move things in the right direction again by connecting to other people.

    • We become unstoppable when we get together. Connecting is a little act of rebellion.

    [23:23] Carmen: “When we get together, we are completely unstoppable, whether it's women, whether it's all people of color together. They could never stop us, and they know that, which is why they're doing this, because we are a huge force in this country and in this world." - Click Here To Tweet This

    [25:27] How Carmen Wants to Affect Her Audience

    • She wants people to feel seen and valued through her memoir, like what the books she read by women of color did to her.

    • The process of your career can be the process of finding yourself and discovering your identity.

    • The company you work with is not your family. Do not tie your self-worth to them.

    • Instead of letting others define you, understand who you are and your capabilities.

    • It's good to love your job, but working to live is also okay.

    [31:06] How Carmen Feels Radically Loved

    • Carmen carries her deceased brother with him. She dedicated the book to him.

    • He was her first champion and biggest cheerleader.

    • They would fight and make up seconds later. That mutual acceptance was a manifestation of radical love.

    • She carries that spirit with her in mothering and friendships.

    About Carmen

    Carmen Rita Wong is a writer, producer, former radio and television host, non-profit board leader, and personal finance expert. She was the co-creator and former host of the 2005 personal finance program, On the Money. Carmen was also a contributor to The Dr. Oz Show, iVillage, and other major publications. 

    She is a speaker, professor, and artistic council at Moth Stories. In her memoir titled Why Didn’t You Tell Me?, she unravels her origin story and how she made peace with her identity.

    If you want to connect with Carmen, visit her website and Instagram.

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    To feeling radically loved,

    Rosie

    Rosie AcostaLatinx, Teacher, Hispanic Meditation Teacher, Latin Meditation Teacher, Spanish Speaking Meditation Teacher